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From then… to now…

As we face moments of pain in our life, in the midst of them they seem as if they will never, ever end.  We can feel like we are in an abyss of hurt that is impossible to surmount.

One of my most painful journeys has probably been the journey of infertility and miscarriage.

I was toward the end of that journey when this blog started, and I eventually decided to just lay it all out there and blog about it

It was immensely fulfilling to finally be able to share that we had gotten those 2 pink lines!

It most definitely wasn’t the journey I would have chosen for myself, but it was one chosen for me to make me who I am today.

As I looked at our Easter Family picture this year…

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I was struck with how far we had come from those moments of pain… almost without me noticing.

 

Our Easter Pic this year reminded me so much of this pic taken in the same spot just five years earlier

Cauthen Family

This was our family in the midst of all that heartache… only  four days after the miscarriage.  

I look at my eyes in that picture and remember. I remember the heartache and pain.

When you are experiencing infertility you can’t help but wonder if what you’re seeking will indeed EVER happen.  There are feelings of hopelessness and loss as well as mourning of unfulfilled dreams and desires.

That combined with LOSING the baby we had waited for was incredibly difficult.   I haven’t ever gotten into all the details here, but for some reason it just seems like “now” is the right time.

I don’t pretend that my experience was anything close to what so many other mommas have gone through with miscarriages much later in their pregnancies. It is hard to even imagine what they have had to endure, and I realize I was spared from what could have been much worse.

But perhaps as I share something so raw and personal here, I hope that my experience can be a comfort or blessing to someone else who may be going through a similar struggle.

our journey…

We had been trying for a baby for about a year and a half when we found out we were finally pregnant!  We hadn’t really even told anyone we were trying, so at just 5 weeks or so pregnant we practically SHOUTED IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

I didn’t have my first doctor’s appointment until around 7 weeks, and I was excited to be able to get an early ultrasound!  Chris was even able to come with me to share in the important moment.

I started to think something was wrong during the ultrasound, but the tech never said a word.  When she left the room,  I told Chris that I didn’t think the ultrasound looked right.

We went in Dr. Peach’s office and heard the awful news.  The ultrasound wasn’t showing a baby… only the sack.  He did offer a glimmer of hope that perhaps my dates were off, and I just wasn’t as far along as I thought. 

Thus began a series of ultrasounds to measure any growth or changes.  I really think Dr. Peach kept giving them to me for my own peace of mind. 

With no further growth or any signs of progress, he recommended that we go ahead and schedule the D&C.  I was hesitant to go that route, in that I didn’t want to ALWAYS wonder if maybe somehow, someway, the ultrasounds and doctor were all wrong and my baby would be just fine. I even found a website full of women with that exact story.

So I waited.  Waited and prayed, though I expected the inevitable to happen.

It took FOUR WEEKS of that merciless waiting before the inevitable did finally begin.

Once things started, I gave myself permission to go forward with the D&C since as the Doctor put it, I was basically a walking time bomb. 

Because I’m just special, the whole procedure went terribly… really just because I read the instructions on the pill I had to take before going in, and I took it with food. {Why am I so obedient?}  And by food I mean one Cheez-it cracker.  That cracker meant that at the last minute while lying on a bed in a bustling room with no glasses or contacts and the cramps starting, the anesthesiologist told me I couldn’t have the surgery yet.  Because of a cracker. 

I laid there in that room of people going to and fro all around me in a haze.  I am blind without my contacts so honestly I couldn’t see anything but blurs all around.  I laid there hurting and crying and not even being able to tell if people were looking.

I was taken back to my room I’m convinced by the most inept orderly in the history of the world.  My glasses were still with Chris who wasn’t there because I was supposed to be in surgery.  

It became apparent fairly quickly that the pill I took was starting to cause the cramping and bleeding to worsen {sparing a lot of details}.  All of which I experienced without the ability to SEE anything.  Because of that, the decision was made that I should, in fact, go ahead with the surgery immediately. 

And finally, finally it was over.  One chapter closed so there was room for another to begin.

We had hopes that another pregnancy would happen quickly for us, but it took another year and a half, as well as two attempts at an IUI later before we had success…

The Wild Man Wadester. 

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If I could go back and speak to myself in those moments of the waiting and wondering and pain, I could give some comfort that things won’t always be so awful.

I may even be able to give myself a good ole laugh too at the thought that one day AFTER we had received our long awaited Wade we would be SHOCKED to receive ANOTHER surprise blessing from God. 

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I’m sure I could’ve at least made myself chuckle.

 

The point is that no matter how deep the valley, there is always room to hope, room to learn and quite frankly room to look on the bright side.

I need this reminder in the midst of other issues and things I continue to face here and now.  

It won’t always be so bad.

“I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.”  Hebrews 13:5

“Nothing… can separate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus.”  Romans 8:39

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High will abide under the shadow of the Almighty” Psalms 91:1

“As for God, His way is Perfect.” Psalms 18:30

The struggle and pain I experienced through it all has indeed made my own three little dear ones…
 

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all the more precious.

 

I am so thankful and so blessed. 

12 Responses to From then… to now…
  1. Ellen
    May 6, 2011 | 1:08 pm

    Awww, though I knew some, I never really knew it all… you've got me crying like a baby! lol It is always amazing how hindsight can be 20/20 and when we look back on a really tumultuous time in our life, we can see His hand so clearly where we couldn't see it before. I think you have 3 incredibly beautiful blessings and though I will never fully know the full range of emotions you've faced through this, I praise God for His goodness to you and your family. He truly is good ALL the time. (Preaching to myself right now… ;) ) Thanks for sharing your story – I know it can only but be a blessing to someone who has experienced, or is experiencing the very same struggles. Several people in my life have struggled with infertility, and a few I may share the link to this post with… It was an encouragement to me.

  2. Renee
    May 6, 2011 | 1:37 pm

    Thanks, Ellen… It was scary to share something like this… something so personal, and you are definitely right about hindsight is 20/20.
    Wish I could learn that lesson completely! :)

  3. Momma "B"
    May 6, 2011 | 2:39 pm

    While I haven't experienced the pain of miscarriage, I have been through the valley of infertility. I agree with you 100%: the biggest blessing that came out of that time is that I will never take pregnancy or my children for granted. Truly, they are gifts from the hand of God, precious miracles that make me a better person in return.
    Thank you for sharing this part of "you", Renee. May God bless you as you seek to raise your children for Him!
    Selina

  4. Heather
    July 11, 2011 | 2:33 am

    I just read this for the first time. I didn't know all the details, but it's so amazing to see how far the Lord has taken your family today! The verses you shared are some of my favorites especially when I've been in tough spots. Thanks for sharing this part of your journey.

  5. Kathy C.
    July 20, 2011 | 6:24 pm

    You have a beautiful family.. truly a gift from God. I can tell you cherish each and every day with them. What a great story to be able to share with others. :)

  6. shineliketheSon
    August 25, 2011 | 6:54 pm

    What an inspiring story for others. I'm so glad you found strength to share. My mama friends who's babies were still born find such amazing support through online blogs with personal stories, it is the world they fit in, where understanding and compassion and empathy are real and honest and where words are raw yet comforting. It is amazing how your story can help heal the heart of another.

  7. Amy @ Raising Arrows
    September 9, 2011 | 7:59 pm

    How blessed you are!

    And I understand your pain. My second miscarriage/D&C was near Easter as well. They sang "He Lives" at church and the words of the song mention holding a newborn baby…I cried through the entire song. Still today, 8 years later, I think about that baby every time I sing that hymn.

    You have a truly beautiful family. :) (and I landed here from Sherri's blog – love that girl!)

  8. Renee
    September 21, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    You do have to be willing to expose yourself, but it IS helpful when you are going through something so awful to know that someone else somewhere went through it and SURVIVED. Especially when it doesn't seem possible at that moment.

  9. Jess Bjokne
    November 13, 2011 | 4:13 am

    Thanks for sharing this…I stumbled upon your blog through other links and it encouraged me as my hubs and I have been dealing with infertility and have yet to experience the joy of even one child…we have an appt soon with a fertility doctor so I am somewhat hopeful yet nervous. I know God is ultimately in control!

  10. Kathy
    November 13, 2011 | 9:00 am

    Thank you for sharing your journey through pain with us. Although Im sorry that you were there I hope that your journey through can encourage someone and guide them to Him for answers and comfort. Some day this will all make sense :)

  11. Anonymous
    December 14, 2011 | 2:34 am

    Dear Renee, Reading this today brought back many memories! I was pregnant with our second child and waiting until Christmas to make the big announcement. God had other plans. I ended up in the hospital having a miscarriage and a D&C on Christmas Eve. It was at the same time that Aunt Sandy was there as a result of the horrible car wreck she had been involved in the previous September. They put me in her room and I really feel it was God's way of helping her through the pain of not being able to be with her children and husband doing all the usual Christmas preparations. It was indeed a very sad time for me-especially when I was back at Gramma's and a cousin who was 9 months pregnant came over and said she sure didn't want her baby and why was I so sad?? What a difference Christ makes in a person's life. I am so thankful for the children God has given me and for the pain and trials He has brought me through. Love you and your family. Remember, there was a time when I was Haley's "other gramma"! Love, Aunt Ruthie
    PS I am putting anonymous because I don't know what all the other choices mean!!

  12. Mari
    July 2, 2014 | 12:22 pm

    God is amazing…I had 3 miscarriages. really bad experience and really painful. God has blessed me with 2 wonderful boys.

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